Date: May 25, 2018
US Department of American Affairs
WASHINGTON – The U.S. Department of American Affairs today, along with the National Park Administration and other participating federal agencies, announced that “School Shootings” have replaced “Apple Pie” as the primary indicator of Americaness.
“I was surprised when I saw the numbers in the report”, said Deputy Director Tom Bryce, “But then I thought about it, I hadn’t seen an Apple Pie in months. And apparently the best Apple pies come from Canada these days. We understand the change is going to take get some getting used to. Here in the department we support each other, just yesterday one of the junior staff said, As American As An Apple Pie, and I had to correct him. No, remember that was the old America. Now we are American as School Shootings.”